Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Top 5 Worst Boyfriends

And here's another Best Of/Top X! I'm really loving these!

Wizard Universe reports:

Who's the worst superhero significant other in comics? Take a look at our Casanova candidates, then cast your vote!

By Chris Ward

Posted August 6, 2007 4:40 PM

Look out, ladies: These five “heroes” can be hazardous to your health! Whether they’re sleeping their way through the multiverse or leaving a trail of destruction through their little black books, the men below—led by Matt Murdock, whose missus deals with constant paranoia currently in Daredevil—are not the kind you want to fly home to mother with. But who’s the baddest boyfriend of the bunch? Log on to the message boards and call out comics’ most bogus beau!

Daredevil brings out certain qualities in women—namely crazy, dead or both. Karen Page became a junkie porn star who sold out his secret identity and eventually got killed by Bullseye. Hired killer Typhoid Mary’s as nutty as a Stuckey’s Log, as is DD’s other assassin lover Elektra, who also got killed by Bullseye. (She, too, got better. Or was replaced by a Skrull. Either way, ick.) Even Matt’s long-suffering wife Milla keeps looking over her shoulder for either his exes or superbaddies! Ol’ Hornhead should come with a warning label. In Braille.

Thanksgiving leftovers belong in the refrigerator. Girlfriends don’t. Unfortunately, being choked and stuffed in an icebox (like Kyle’s special lady Alexandra DeWitt) is just one of the many ways this Green Lantern’s lovers meet their fates. Jade exploded in space like a microwaved Marshmallow Peep, and Donna Troy died, we believe, under the crushing weight of her own continuity. (She got better.) As Ion, Kyle chose to resurrect his dead mother instead of his scorned girlfriends. This one’s got issues.

The minute a nationwide ban is placed on “man-whore millionaires with mustaches,” get ready for a whole new Civil War. Iron Man’s hooked up famously with Pepper Potts, Madame Masque, Black Widow, the Wasp; his most recent conquest was She-Hulk, and the iron-clad cad stripped her of her powers after stripping her of her clothes. Tony’s tapped more ass than he has beer kegs—and for him, that’s saying a lot.

A lot of dudes who prefer their poindexter careers over their hot wives can be said to have their heads up their posteriors—so it’s appropriate that Mister Fantastic’s powers could actually make that possible. His devotion to Tony Stark’s Superhuman Registration Act was (for a brief while, anyway) the family- and team-snapping final straw in a marriage characterized by condescending comments and bedroom neglect since the Stan ’n’ Jack days. This occasionally forced Sue into the arms of Namor, a metrosexual fish-king in Speedos. Good one, Einstein.

When Abin Sur lay dying, entrusting the Green Lantern legacy to Hal, little did he know that Jordan would simply use his new powers as an instant babe magnet around the universe. Carol Ferris, Cowgirl, Star Sapphire, Arisia…he even stole Guy Gardner’s psycho girlfriend, Kari Limbo, which took brass balls. Hal’s lantern may need to be periodically recharged, but the cocky jet pilot’s libido is more like the Energizer Bunny of the DCU.

There really should be one more person on that list: Prince Charming from Fables. He's a huge hornbag, wanting to sleep with just about EVERY human female cast member with a pulse from Fables. He's slept with Snow White, then dumped her for Rose Red. Then he's had liaisons with Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella...and he recently tried hitting on Beauty, completely ignoring the fact that she's married to her husband Beast!

Prince Charming is really a suave ladies man who really wows the pants off (literally!) the women he's wooing. Until he gets into their pants that is, after which he becomes El Jerko, dumping them quicker than a leper dumps body parts.

Spider-man could possibly make this list too. Yes, he's married. But everyone who's ever been in a relationship with him has had to endure some sort of struggle. Gwen Stacy even DIED. And although he's married to MJ, they've been estranged, separated, and nearly divorced. And now that the whole world knows Spider-man's secret identity (circa Civil War #2), no one who has a relationship with Parker is safe.

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