LAST MAN STANDING
|The Osbournes vs. The Osborns||Art by Jim Mahfood|
|TALE OF THE TAPE|
|The Osbournes||The Osborns|
|165 lbs.||Weight||185 lbs.|
|Black Sabbath||Group Affiliation||Spidey's Rogues|
|You name it||Chemical Dependency||Goblin formula|
THE PLAYERS: Ozzy Osbourne is the Prince of F---ing Darkness! Jack’s his snotty teenage son, who possesses a no-limit Platinum card and raging hormones!
Norman Osborn created a formula that granted him superhuman abilities but also drove him insane, transforming into the Green Goblin! His only son Harry’s been something of an embarrassment, the high point of his life being the nailing of the ultra-hot Liz Allen.
THE BATTLE: During an Ozzfest tour stop, a semi-lucid Ozzy goes for a stroll, and ends up at the penthouse home of Norman Osborn. Mistaking it for his house, Ozzy looks to fix his fourth burrito of the day, so he heads to the kitchen, where he interrupts Norman and Harry arguing over use of the Goblin Glider. “W-w-w-what the f--- are you p-p-p-people doing in my k-k-k-k-kitchen?” bellows Ozzy. Meanwhile, Jack’s been tracking his father to complain about Kelly’s musical career (“She’s such a f---ing rock star!”), and at that moment, he bursts in to help his devilish dad. “F--- you, you f---ing tossers!” exclaims a raucous Jack. “Me and my dad will f--- you f---ers up!” Pulling a bayonet, Jack charges Harry, who does all he can to protect himself from the devastating power of a teenage white boy with an enormous afro. Meanwhile, Ozzy sees the Goblin Glider floating nearby, his eyes lighting up like the fires of hell! “Rock-n-roll!” screams the Prince of F---ing Darkness, as he grabs the bat-shaped glider and bites the head off! After evicting the Osborns from their own home, Ozzy and Jack scheme as to how to run the “new” OzCorp. “N-n-n-n-now we can get rid of that
f---ing Superman for good!” A bewildered Jack’s reply: “Sure, dad.”
So absolutely stupid. One of the worst Last Man Standings ever.