LMS: The Osbournes Vs The Osborns

Ugh. What a putrid idea. This one was created when The Osbournes reality TV show was at the peak of its popularity. While it might have seemed funny in execution, would anyone believe that the non-powered Osbournes would be able to defeat Green Goblins I and II?


LAST MAN STANDING

The Osbournes vs. The Osborns

Art by Jim Mahfood

TALE OF THE TAPE
The Osbournes		The Osborns
5'9"	Height	5'11"
165 lbs.	Weight	185 lbs.
69"	Reach	71"
Black Sabbath	Group Affiliation	Spidey's Rogues
You name it	Chemical Dependency	Goblin formula

THE PLAYERS: Ozzy Osbourne is the Prince of F---ing Darkness! Jack’s his snotty teenage son, who possesses a no-limit Platinum card and raging hormones!

Norman Osborn created a formula that granted him superhuman abilities but also drove him insane, transforming into the Green Goblin! His only son Harry’s been something of an embarrassment, the high point of his life being the nailing of the ultra-hot Liz Allen.

THE BATTLE: During an Ozzfest tour stop, a semi-lucid Ozzy goes for a stroll, and ends up at the penthouse home of Norman Osborn. Mistaking it for his house, Ozzy looks to fix his fourth burrito of the day, so he heads to the kitchen, where he interrupts Norman and Harry arguing over use of the Goblin Glider. “W-w-w-what the f--- are you p-p-p-people doing in my k-k-k-k-kitchen?” bellows Ozzy. Meanwhile, Jack’s been tracking his father to complain about Kelly’s musical career (“She’s such a f---ing rock star!”), and at that moment, he bursts in to help his devilish dad. “F--- you, you f---ing tossers!” exclaims a raucous Jack. “Me and my dad will f--- you f---ers up!” Pulling a bayonet, Jack charges Harry, who does all he can to protect himself from the devastating power of a teenage white boy with an enormous afro. Meanwhile, Ozzy sees the Goblin Glider floating nearby, his eyes lighting up like the fires of hell! “Rock-n-roll!” screams the Prince of F---ing Darkness, as he grabs the bat-shaped glider and bites the head off! After evicting the Osborns from their own home, Ozzy and Jack scheme as to how to run the “new” OzCorp. “N-n-n-n-now we can get rid of that
f---ing Superman for good!” A bewildered Jack’s reply: “Sure, dad.”


So absolutely stupid. One of the worst Last Man Standings ever.