Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Ultimate weapons

Yay...here's a brilliant "Best Of" feature that I've been looking forward to reading as soon as I saw it on Wizard Universe!

Ever debated with your friends which was the more powerful weapon: Darth Vader's lightsaber? The Infinity Gauntlet? Mjolnir? The BFG from Doom? The Ghostbusters' proton pack? Errr...scratch that last one.

Well, Wizard counts down the 50 greatest fictional weapons of all time!

Note that I don't always agree with Wizard's choices and selections...but I'll reserve my comments for AFTER this article.


ULTIMATE WEAPONS
From proton packs to Cosmic Cubes, ToyFare names the 50 greatest fictional weapons of all time

By Chris Ward

Posted November 19, 2007 9:15 PM

Imagine a world without lightsabers—where, instead, every big Star Wars finale consists of a 10-minute slap fight. Thank the maker we’ll never have to witness such a spectacle, because magical and impossibly high-tech weapons are staples of nearly all of our favorite entertainments! To pick just the 50 best, we spent weeks whittling down a massive list of our favorite pain-inflicting instruments of all time—from magic swords to laser guns to pointy balls. To make this list, however, there were a few rules: The weapon must be wieldable (that means the Death Star didn’t make the cut) and it can’t be something you can just run out and buy. So blades out, everyone—here are the greatest weapons of all time, as well as how to get your hands on a replica if one exists! KA-BLAM!

50. Predator’s Flying Disc
Predator 2


So many things have killed Gary Busey in the past. Well, his choice of film roles, namely. But in “Predator 2: I’m With Busey,” the dreadlocked alien hunter throws an impossibly sharp disc through countless sides of beef and splits Gary in two faster than you can scream “medicated!”

49. Master Sword
The Legend of Zelda


In the first Legend of Zelda, an old man proclaims, “It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this!” and gives Link a wooden sword. Gee, thanks. But in nearly every sequel, our hero would attain the Master Sword—which can shoot out sword-shaped beams of energy.


48. Glamdring
The Lord of the Rings


Gandalf found Glamdring at the same time that Bilbo found Sting, and it shares the same “glowing goblin alarm.” We chose to include Glamdring because its name translates to “the Foe Hammer”!
ARM YOURSELF: You can get a movie version of Glamdring from knife masters United Cutlery. $275

47. Samaritan
Hellboy


Forged from Irish church bells, consecrated metals and crucifixes, Hellboy’s Samaritan is the most sacred sidearm in comics. And it’s got monster-specific bullets including garlic and holy water just to make sure the job’s done right. It’s also really big.
ARM YOURSELF: The replica movie-based Samaritan from Sideshow Toy even comes with replica bullets! $350

46. Lancer
Gears of War


Bayonets have come a long way since Gen. Robert E. Lee’s day! Runnin’ a guy through with a pointy spear just isn’t enough anymore—you’ve gotta put a buzzsaw on the front of your gun and do a little extreme makeover on his torso. It’s Bob Villa’s weapon of choice.

45. Golden Gun
The Man With the Golden Gun


Our favorite tiny weapon from “The Man With the Golden Gun” isn’t HervĂ© Villechaize as Nick Nack, it’s arch-villain Scaramanga’s Golden Gun that shoots golden bullets that kill instantly. And when you’re done killing, the gun breaks down into a cigarette case, a lighter, a pen and a cuff link!


44. Cherry’s Leg
Grindhouse: Planet Terror


What’s the next best thing to a stripper? A stripper with a leg cannon! Until Cherry, the worst thing you could catch from a dancer might be a mean case of crabs…not a bullet between the eyes. And if you think a gun isn’t fictional…how does she fire it hands-free?

43. Tron’s Disc
Tron


Since throwing Frisbees is one of the few sports-like activities we enjoy partaking in, we often find ourselves wishing that Frisbees were some sort of cool laser-y sci-fi weapon. And for one memorable scene in “Tron” (and several subsequent arcade games), they were.

42. Stormbringer
Michael Moorecock’s Elric


In the classic fantasy book Stormbringer, a demon with an obvious Wonder Twins fixation decides to take the form of a sword. The pitch-black, sentient sword will not only swallow your soul, but it can kill non-magic folk in one thrust. Thanks, demon!


41. Rail Gun
Eraser


From rocket launchers to miserable one-liners, Schwarzenegger’s arsenal has always been fully stocked. But his best weapon is the Rail Gun, which can see through walls and shoot near-light-speed bullets. No wonder “Eraser” was nominated for an Oscar! Well, for Best Sound Effects Editing. But still…


40. Plasma Grenade
Halo


The sticky Plasma Grenade says, “I’m rubber and you’re glue. Whatever bounces off me sticks to you and blows your ass across Blood Gulch.” There’s just nothing like sticking a Plasma Grenade right on another player’s crotch and watching him run helpless into the horizon before exploding into bite-size chunks.

39. Hitler’s Handgun
Marvel Comics


Hitler’s Handgun may sound like an aspiring garage band, but in Brian K. Vaughan’s Doctor Strange: The Oath miniseries, Strange encounters the real deal. Because of Hitler’s bad mojo, the gun’s bullets can penetrate Doctor Strange’s defenses! Now that’s evil that lasts and lasts.

38. Freddy’s Glove
A Nightmare on Elm Street


The only thing deadlier than Freddy’s shat-tastic jokes is his rusty, razor-fingered glove. As a completely original weapon, the glove’s design is genius—a horror institution. Sure, it made it hard for Freddy to use chopsticks, but the trade-off is getting to kill horny teens with only your finger.
ARM YOURSELF: If you promise not to kill any teens, NECA made a glove replica you can slip on yourself. (It comes with Jason’s mask!) $100

37. Cloud’s First Tsuguri
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children


Cloud’s Buster Sword from the Final Fantasy VII game is great, but other than being ludicrously huge, it doesn’t seem to have a lot of “fictional” going for it. His sword from the anime Advent Children, however, looks just like the original, but also breaks down into six smaller swords. Bingo!

36. The BFG9000
Doom


Screw the shotgun, the Big F---ing Gun gave Doom players a chance to tear through hell like Bill Cosby through Jell-O pudding. The green globs of plasma death destroyed Hell’s minions in one shot and, thankfully, put an end to the Rock’s acting in the film version.

35. Target Seeking Bullet Gun
Runaway


In “Runaway,” Tom Selleck is like Robocop with a fancy mustache, stopping robots that go ape-scat insane and kill non-mustachioed people. Audiences ducked this Selleck/Gene Simmons/Kirstie Alley vehicle. But the movie’s evil “smart bullets,” which can go around freaking corners, are unduckable. They’re the Magnum P.I. of ammunition, baby.

34. Starman’s Star Rod
DC Comics


Any guy lucky enough to be Starman gets to fly through the air by gripping its shaft. It’s not what it sounds like. Throw in powerful blasts and force fields, and the weapon is a star in itself.

33. Magik’s Soulsword
Marvel Comics


Now that Colossus’ little sister is no more, we want her Soulsword! Created using a piece of her own soul and Time-Life’s Do It Yourself Sword-Making book, Magik’s rapier gets more powerful with every use and is to magic-users what chocolate is to dogs—completely deadly.

32. Gravity Gun
Half-Life 2


First-person shooters are often defined by their guns, and there are none cooler than the Gravity Gun—it’s perfect gaming physics personified. You could also call it the “Zero-Point Energy Field Manipulator,” but that’s just a fancy way of saying “I’m-a pick you up and shoot your ass into the horizon.”

31. Goemon’s Zantetsuken
Lupin III


Call it the diva of swords. Though the Zantetsuken can cut through pretty much anything in the entire world—steel, mountains, even airplanes—Goemon always remarks with a yawn, “Once again I have cut a worthless object.” Worthless or not, it’d still be fun to chop a Weinermobile in half.

30. Buffy’s Slayer’s Scythe
Buffy: The Vampire Slayer


Scythes are usually used for boring stuff like harvesting corn or souls, but this one is a battle ax…with a wooden stake handle! It’s been passed from Slayer to Slayer for centuries, and when Willow channels her magic through it she can activate every potential Slayer on the planet! It also stabs vampires.
ARM YOURSELF: Factory X released a prop replica that will activate every Slayer fan’s saliva glands. $300

29. Ash’s Chainsaw Hand
Evil Dead II


While only slightly fictional, the chainsaw hand remains gory, rusty greatness—as iconic as Bruce Campbell’s chin. Hey, if you’re gonna lop off your hand at the wrist, you might as well replace it with the next grooviest thing.

28. The Witchblade
Witchblade


The clothing budget of Witchblade-wielder Sara Pezzini must be huge. That’s because, when triggered by the hot-as-hell host, the powerful symbiotic gauntlet rips her clothes off. More than just a metal version of Venom, the Witchblade can also awaken the dead and create psychic links.

27. The Ultimate Nullifier
Marvel Comics


What handheld device can destroy the entire universe, entire timelines and entire dimensions? If you said “iPhone,” you’re way off. The Fantastic Four’s Reed Richards attained this bad boy to stop Galactus and Big G ran like hell as soon as he saw it. It also kills the user, though.

26. Teleporting Sniper Rifle
Star Trek: Deep Space 9


The TR-116 is unique because it uses an ancient form of combat: bustin’ caps. But wait, there’s more! Deep Space 9’s Science Officer Chu’lak modified the gun to teleport its bullets anywhere in the space station from his room, killing several crewmembers. East Galaxy/West Galaxy rap rivalries are intense.

25. Spread Gun
Contra


We’re not sure what it’s shooting—could be baby tomatoes, could be rubber clown noses—but the Spread Gun is more important to the Contra series than the Konami Code itself. It’s so useful that accidentally getting a different weapon when you already have it is worse than getting killed.

24. Sentinel Sphere
Phantasm


“The Tall Man” isn’t a very scary-sounding name for an elderly murderer, but if you see this thing floating toward you, chances are you’re about to get your brain drilled and sucked out, your ears lasered off, or your eyes gouged out. Who knew an old man’s balls were so dangerous?
ARM YOURSELF: A proposed NECA replica never materialized, but Anchor Bay’s U.K. Region 2 five-movie DVD set comes packaged in a Sphere! $60

23. Ivy’s Chain Sword
Soul Calibur


A sword that turns into a whip doesn’t make any sense, but who cares? If Indiana Jones had razor-sharp blades attached to his bullwhip, we’d be lining up for the new flick now. Try to get a side-boob peek of Ivy, however, and you’re likely to get your head removed.

22. Gunblades
Final Fantasy VIII


“You got gun in my blade!” “You got blade in my gun!” Now there’s two great tastes that taste great together. Squall Leonhart may look a little fem, but his gunblades are all man. The only thing that could make this weapon cooler is if it shot piranhas.

21. Energy Sword
Halo 2


Lots of things piss off Halo players: camping snipers, the Needler gun, the wait between sequels. Same goes for the Energy Sword and its unstoppable “one hit, one kill” lunge attack. Seems cheap, but to the gamer doing the cut ’n’ running, it’s the sweetest of humiliations.

20. Ebony Blade
Marvel Comics


Though it’s got a blood curse on it, we’d gladly risk turning into stone for the chance to cut a bloody swath with the Avenger Black Knight’s broadsword forged from a fallen meteorite. First mission? Destroy every copy of “Black Knight” starring Martin Lawrence.

19. Voltron’s Blazing Sword
Voltron


If it can be argued that swords in pop culture are a manifestation of manhood, then Voltron’s Blazing Sword is the ultimate manifestation of robot-hood. The sword can destroy any ro-beast in a single slash. So why does Voltron waste time fighting instead of pulling that baby out right away?

18. Excalibur
Age-old legend


You can’t get blood from a stone, but you can pull a sword out of one! Legend has it King Arthur yanked the blade from its rock at a county fair, winning both the kingship of England and a stuffed duck. Screw magical abilities, Excalibur grants the greatest power of all—political power!

17. Dagger of Time
The Prince of Persia


If we could turn back time, if we could find a way…we’d prevent some Cher videos from getting made. The Dagger of Time allows just that (along with freezing time, slowing time and the ability to see the future) with just one stabby motion. It’s like a DeLorean you can cut throats with!

16. Megatron
Transformers


Wait, how is a badass robot a weapon? Because Megatron has the power of illogical size-changing, which means that his laser-blasting pistol mode can be wielded by puny humans and giant robots! So which part of him is the trigger? We’d rather not know.

15. Lance of Longinus
Neon Genesis Evangelion


Until “Neon Genesis Evangelion,” we thought “Longinus” was a medical problem with someone’s lady-business. Turns out it’s a skyscraper-sized fork that can only be thrown by ginormous robots. Let us put it this way: IT CAN STAB THE MOON. Next to the N’Sync guy, it’s our favorite Lance ever.

14. Proton Pack
Ghostbusters


Sure, its primary purpose might be kicking the asses of things that are already dead, but it can seriously tear up a hotel ballroom. Plus, cross those streams and you can take out a marshmallow giant or end all life on Earth! Either/or.

13. Maul’s Lightsaber
Star Wars


Ah, Darth Maul…we’d have traded you being in “Episode III” for all the Gungans on Naboo. Double the lightsaber makes for one hell of a cool visual display, but it still scores lower than the basic model, because we’re sure we’d hobble ourselves if we tried to wield one.
ARM YOURSELF: You can’t hobble yourself with Master Replicas’ ginormous ForceFX replica—it only has realistic lights, sound and split-apart action! $150

12. Mr. Freeze’s Gun
DC Comics


Though we dry-heaved every time Ahnold said “Chill out,” we secretly wanted his gun anyway. Not only would we never drink warm beer again, but we could cover Bill O’Reilly’s car in ice on a hot summer day, ring the doorbell and run away. Victory is ours!

11. Sword of Omens
Thundercats


How jealous do you think Panthro is of Lion-O’s incredible blade? After all, he got stuck with nunchakus. The Sword of Omens slices, dices and allows the wielder to see anything, anywhere using “Sight Beyond Sight.” Also, screw the Bat-Signal…Lion-O’s got a Cat-Signal packed into this bad boy!

10. Mjolnir
Thor


Hard to pronounce and harder to wield, Thor’s badass war hammer has pounded more flesh than Ron Jeremy. Verily. Only a very few can even lift it, but it can sure as hell lift you—Thor actually flies by throwing this thing then hanging along for the ride!
ARM YOURSELF: Diamond Select Toys’ Mjolnir replica won’t let you fly, but at least you’ll be able to lift it. $350

9. Vorpal Blade
Fables


Created by Lewis Carroll in his poem “Jabberwocky,” Little Boy Blue wields this legendary magic sword in his quest against the Fables’ Adversary in the comic. The Vorpal Blade will cut your foe’s head off right quick, and it always makes a “snicker-snack!” sound effect, to remind you that if you’re hungry, why wait? Grab a Snickers!

7. Cosmic Cube
Marvel Comics


It’s a cube that manifests anything you want with a single thought. How can it possibly get better than that? Free roast beef sandwiches, an army of be-thonged Megan Fox clones, unlimited weekend minutes…all this can be yours. The only problem is that the Cubes themselves are sentient and can refuse your wishes.

6. Cap’s Shield
Captain America


How does Captain America get a heavy-ass shield to come back to him when thrown? We have no idea, but we’re dying to give it a toss. Now that Cap’s dead, we’re hoping it shows up on eBay. And besides being indestructible, it’s got its own theme song!
ARM YOURSELF: The replica shield from Factory X is decidedly not indestructible, but one does hang on Stephen Colbert’s wall! $350

5. Phaser

Star Trek


Some look like hot-glue guns, some like Sharper Image massagers, but they’ll all melt your ass when set to “vaporize.” The Enterprise’s weapon of choice can stun, disrupt, shoot wide like a shotgun, disintegrate Tribbles…it’s got more settings than Captain Janeway’s vibrator (also called “Voyager”).
ARM YOURSELF: Diamond Select Toys’ model is show-accurate and breaks from pistol form into a handheld phaser! $26


4. Lightsabers

Star Wars


Sure, it’s an elegant weapon for a more civilized age, but it also decapitates enemies like a hot knife through Taun Taun poop. Few weapons can be identified by sound alone, but the hum, crash and swing of a lightsaber are the most iconic noises in sci-fi.
ARM YOURSELF: Master Replicas’ made aforementioned ForceFX sabers for a ton of characters, but Vader’s iconic red one is our fav! $100


3. Iron Man’s Armor

Marvel Comics


One day, we’ll all wear armor like Tony Stark. Until then, we pine for repulsor rays, flight, cluster bombs and any weapon with the word “Hulkbuster” in it. We hear he even has a “getting some” ray. Unlike Tony, we don’t need the armor in order to survive…it just feels like it.
ARM YOURSELF: You can’t buy the armor anywhere (yet), but Factory X makes a serviceable helmet. It’s a start… $200


2. He-Man’s Power Sword

He Man and the Masters of the Universe


There are plenty of powerful objects on this list that let you shoot lasers and whatnot, but only the Power Sword has the power to bodily transform you (and your pet tiger) from whiny royalty into a scantily clad, super-strong muscleman. He-Man never even stabs anything with it and he’s the most powerful man in the universe.


1. Green Lantern Power Ring

DC Comics


Feared by those who live in shadow…respected across the universe by those who live in the light…really cool even to morally on-the-fence types… The Power Ring of the Green Lantern Corps is the greatest fantasy weapon of all time! It provides you a uniform and any energy construct your mind can possibly imagine, limited only by your willpower. Lonely? You can even talk to it because it’s like OnStar for your finger. You have to charge it every so often, but that’s of little consequence—we’re ready to take the oath, swear off yellow forever and slip this baby on.
ARM YOURSELF: DC Direct has released several replicas, but the one to get comes with the amazing light-up Power Battery replica. $275



Err...I was kidding about the Ghostbusters' proton pack. Hell, I wrote that up there before I even READ the article.

Npte that there are a lot of guns in this list...ordinary handguns at that! Hitler's gun? The golden gun? Cmon! Surely you can't tell me that those are better than a laser rifle? And Mr Freeze's guns!? What the hell are Wizard smoking?

I was actually going to comment on how the hell the proton pack could be much higher up the list than the Ultimate Nullifier. And how so many blades are actually higher than the ultimate weapon! And then I re-read the article again and it wasn't the most POWERFUL fictional weapons of all-time, just the greatest. Fair enough then.

But no Infinity Gauntlet? Man, that's just WRONG. The weapon that caused so many headaches for the heroes of the Marvel universe doesn't get a mention!?

Surprised that iconic weapons like Batman's batarangs and Wonder Woman's golden lasso weren't on the list either. I'm glad that Cap's shield is there though...such a classic. And the vorpal blade is there too! That's just awesome...they actually gave Fables its dues!

A couple of stinkers on this list though, as there usually are for any sort of "Best Of" lists, not just put out by Wizard, but anywhere. After all, you can't always get everyone to agree with your choices!

The proton pack, while cool, probably shouldn't be on this list. I'll forgive them for that though. I CANNOT forgive the following making this list though: Mr Freeze's guns, Cherry's leg (ridiculous...they just broke their own rules saying that you can't select something that you can just run out and buy! Well, it's harder to buy a rifle...but it CAN be bought) and Freddy's claws (why don't you just put in Jason Vorhees weapons while you're at it?!).

Awesome stuff I never expected on the list: Ash's chainsaw, the Vorpal Blade, the rain gun from "Eraser", Magik's Soulsword, the Ebony Blade and Megatron. Yes, MEGATRON! The uber cool transforming gun himself! I'd personally go with Galvatron or Shockwave as the more powerful weapon, but since this isn't a list about powerful weapons...

No arguments from me as to what's number one. How cool would it be to own a power ring that can create ANYTHING?

1 comment:

Someone said...

Cherry's leg pisses me off.

That movie sucked balls.

How the hell did she beat out the MASTER SWORD?