Cmon...was it REALLY that hard to predict that I was going to write a LMS article featuring the Ultimates? And is it that hard to predict I'd do something to incorporate my favourite line in all comicdom somewhere into the story?
This one was written and published on 19 September 2007:
The Marvel Universe's premier two superteams battle it out! The biggest guns of the Ultimate universe take on their contemporary counterparts from the regular Marvel universe.
But which Avengers roster should be represented? I guess since the two teams are duking it out, it'd be fair to have each team be represented by their alternative world counterparts, yeah? So we can tell which Hawkeye is better, which Black Widow is deadlier, etc etc.
Tale of the Tape
The Ultimates - The Triskelion: military base with the highest tech equipment available, sponsored by military intelligence of S.H.I.E.L.D.
The Avengers - The Avengers Mansion: posh, swanky, comes with own personal butler
Most powerful member:
The Ultimates - Thor: new-age freak of nature
The Avengers - The Mighty Thor: The Odinson, God of Thunder
Liable to destroy the team at any given moment:
The Ultimates - Hulk: horny and has a mad-on for using people's heads as toilets
The Avengers - Scarlet Witch: insane in the membrane with reality altering powers
Most hated scripter of their adventures:
The Ultimates - Mark Millar: He let the Wasp singlehandedly take down Hulk! The wuss!
The Avengers - Brian Michael Bendis: He killed some Avengers and disbanded the team! The swine!
The Ultimates - Jarvis the butler
The Avengers - D-Man, smells like crap
When America needs to develop its own government-sponsored superhero strike force, S.H.I.E.L.D. general Nick Fury is entrusted in recruiting America's most powerful heroes to serve as members of the superpowered initiative known as The Ultimates!
Earth's mightiest heroes banded together to fight against the forces no single hero could stand up to. Whenever the world is in danger, the human race can take solace in knowing that in their darkest hour, they can heed the rally cry of "Avengers Assemble!"
Tired of constantly being The Avengers' whipping boy, a mischievious Loki amuses himself watching an alternate world version of The Avengers easily defeating the alien Chitauri race...and then turning on each other with maximum catastrophic results! Noting this unfamiliar team's penchant for brutality, Loki casts a spell that teleports his sworn enemies, The Avengers, into the heart of the Triskelion, causing a few thousand S.H.I.E.L.D soldiers to simultaneously implode from the vacuum created by the wormhole portal!
Startled at the invaders, the remaining S.H.I.E.L.D forces all start pointing their hi-tech rifles at the Avengers, who are still seated at their polished pine table, trying to finish their afternoon tea!
"What treachery be this?" yells an enraged Thor as he warily eyes several S.H.I.E.L.D agents starting to assemble some sort of projectile launcher. "Attac....!" a S.H.I.E.L.D commander starts to yell out, but before he can finish his sentence, the entire battalion is down on the ground unconscious with their weapons disassembled, courtesy of the fleetfooted Quicksilver! "A piece of cake..." the arrogant Pietro starts to remark, when he gets floored by a repulsor blast from the sky.
"Take them down hard and fast!" growls Ultimate Captain America, as he releases himself from Giant Man's grip and executes a perfect rolling somersault, landing face-to-face with his Marvel universe counterpart. Both combatants eye each other warily as they start testing each other...a strike, a parry, a thrust, a dodge. The rest of the teams start pairing up against each other. Ultimate Quicksilver easily dispatches his counterpart who's still dazed from Ultimate Iron Man's repulsor blast. Natasha Romanoff easily dodges the bullets from her Ultimate counterpart's assault rifle and knocks her out cold with a couple of well placed widow's bite blasts. Clint Barton takes out Ultimate Hawkeye with a strategically well-placed boxing glove.
Ultimate Iron Man realises first hand how inadequate his armour is when compared to Tony Stark's, when Stark's own armour easily out maneuovres it in mid-air...Ultimate Iron Man's armour moves like a rock in the sky and Tony easily accounts for his counterpart. The Odinson gets his ass handed to him by Ultimate Thor, who's willing to cut loose with everything he has. Janet Pym has too much fighting prowess for Ultimate Wasp and Ultimate Giant Man is much too big and strong for Hank Pym.
Meanwhile, Steve Rogers and Ultimate Cap have reached a stalemate, neither one giving an inch or backing down to the other. Suddenly Rogers tucks his shield to his side and stretches out an open right palm towards Ultimate Cap. "This is pointless. I don't know why we're being attacked for no reason. We're too evenly matched. Both of us are soldiers, you and I. Call off your troops and I'll call off mine...surely the two of us can reach a diplomatic solution?" says Rogers with a smile on his face.
Ultimate Cap looks at Rogers' outstretched hand, grins, then reaches out and shakes it...and without warning, he kicks Rogers' hard in the gonads! Rogers drops to his knees, using his free left hand to grab his crotch in pain. Without letting go of Rogers' right hand, Ultimate Cap uses his shield and smashes Rogers in the face, knocking him out cold.
"Diplomatic solution? In my language, that means surrender," smirks Ultimate Cap. Ultimate Cap then points to the "A" on his head and yells: "And surrender? SURRENDER?! YOU THINK THIS LETTER ON MY HEAD STANDS FOR FRANCE??!!" Ultimate Cap starts to walk away, then turns back and says to a prone Rogers: "The letter on this head stands for 'Asshole'. As in, I'm willing to fight dirty to get the win, scumbag."
Suddenly, Wanda Maximoff starts to lose a grip on reality after being subject to one of Ultimate Scarlet Witch's hex spells. "ARRRRGHH!!!" Wanda yells, as reality starts to fracture around her. Ultimate Scarlet Witch gets caught up in the vortex and is blinked out of existence in less than a nanosecond! More and more heroes start getting hurled into the vortex...and into oblivion. Tony Stark, Ultimate Giant Man, Quicksilver... "Pietro!" Wanda screams, but it is too late to save her brother. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a lumbering beast drops out of the sky and lands next to Wanda, obliterating the ground beneath him. The beast aims a backhand at Wanda's head, knocking it clean off and dispersing the reality-ending vortex.
"Mission accomplished, Banner," a loudspeaker cries out from the helicopter above, with Nick Fury signalling for Hulk to finish off the other Marvel Universe opponents. Hulk does exactly that, easily accounting for and dispatching the rest of The Avengers with brutal efficiency. But after the last Avenger has fallen, Hulk, in a mindless bloodrage, turns on his Ultimate teammates! "HULK SMASH!" yells the behemoth, as Ultimate Cap and Thor throw themselves headfirst into battle with one of their own.
Winners: The Ultimates...that is, if they don't kill themselves after beating The Avengers!
That took me a while to write! Phew! Maybe I should do away with team battles...it's much easier just going with single characters!
I was originally going for an angle where Scarlet Witch notices Ultimate Quicksilver and drops the devillish remark of: "He may look just like my brother, but what a hunk!" then decides that it's not incest if you're...erm...committing adultery with your alternate world brother, and the two of them walk off hand in hand...or speed off to some seedy motel somewhere. :p