Friday, December 7, 2007

Wha-huh?! moments of 2007

Every year, without fail, in all the thousands of comics published out there, we get some "What the hell were they thinking!?" moments. And every year, Wizard compiles those moments and prints them in their year-end spectacular issue.

This year is no different. Have a look to see the most absurd moments of 2007!

From Bat-sex to dead baby demons, take a look at the most head-scratching, tacky and absurd scenes of the year

By Chris Ward

Posted December 6, 2007 12:00 PM

Consider Us Punished
(Punisher #7)
The Punisher’s always sported the simplest costume in comics: It’s a shirt with a skull on it. But something about Captain America’s death made the guy snap like a Slim Jim and raid Rob Liefeld’s closet. Not content to let his guns do the talking, Punisher’s loud amalgam suit screams, “I just flew in from Sports Authority, and boy are my Spalding kneepads tired!” Good news: when the punishing business goes belly up, we hear the X-Games are hiring security guards.

Butt of the Joke
(Countdown #31)
Jimmy Olsen’s always been the butt of jokes in the DC Universe, but Countdown dumps salt in the wound by the assload. It’s bad enough that Cadmus Project scientists accidentally inflate Olsen’s body like a marshmallow Peep in the microwave, but they use the “Ambient Nuclear Ultra-Spectrograph” to do it. Ignoring that “Ambient” and “Nuclear” go together like “Calm” and “Monster Truck,” the machine’s acronym spells “A.N.U.S.” What, the “Cadmus Operated Laser Orifice Navigator” wasn’t available that day?

Spider Skeet
(Spider-Man: Reign #3)
Sure, that online video of you getting kicked in the nuts by a mule is pretty embarrassing. But there are far worse fates. Take Spider-Man’s hot wife, for example, who dies of radiation poisoning thanks to Peter Parker’s, umm, “intimate fluids.” That’s right: Every time Peter Parker parked his peter in MJ’s garage, he was slowly killing her. “Like a spider crawling up inside your body and laying a thousand eggs of cancer,” he bemoans, poetically. Jeez, whatever happened to the quiet dignity of being thrown off a bridge and snapping your neck?

Night of the Living Cat-Frog
(Terror Inc. #2)
Plenty of zombie comics are shuffling into stores these days, making it tougher to stand out among the rotting hordes. This may explain the birth of the craziest zombie we’ve ever seen: Cat-Frog! Half cat, half frog and all evil, we demand Cat-Frog get its own series. Just imagine their hilarious adventures together: A frog using a litter box, a cat coughing up tadpoles…the fun is endless! They made a show about metrosexual cavemen, so why not?

Humpin’ on the Dock of the Bay
(All Star Batman #7)
For the third year running, here’s your annual G--damned All Star Batman Head-Scratcher of the G--damned Year! After burning some guys alive with bleach, Black Canary gets all hot and bothered for Bats (obviously!) and they immediately bump uglies in torrential rainfall. “We keep our masks on. It’s better that way,” says the Canary. The lightning drowns out her next line: “Oh, but we keep our pants off, it’s funner that way.”

Know When to Fold ’Em
(Fantastic Four #542)
We know poker etiquette. We don’t splash the chips, and we never leave the table in the middle of a hand. But what is up with superhero poker? Is it okay to peek at Iron Man’s hand in the reflection of his costume? If you’re Giant Man, isn’t it harder to hold the cards by choosing to play in giant-mode? And where the hell is his giant chair?!? No wonder people have it out for these guys.

Bitter Battle
(Tales of the Unexpected #6-#8)
Brian Azzarello doesn’t just bite the hand that feeds him in his Dr. 13 tale, he chews up and spits out the entire arm! In a not-so-subtle (but hilarious) move, Dr. 13 and his crew fight a walking Mt. Rushmore (marking the second time Azz has utilized a walking, killing Mt. Rushmore; see Superman #209). Look closely, and you’ll realize “Les Architectes” are 52 writers Grant Morrison, Geoff Johns, Mark Waid and Greg Rucka. These “villains” decide which characters and stories are worthy in their universe, and ax the rest. Yeesh. We’ve seen less bitterness at a Lohan family reunion.

Rock-a-Die Baby
(Countdown #46)
Stop us if you’ve heard this “dead baby” joke: What do you call a bunch of dead babies stuck to a demon? In the DC Universe, it’s none other than Pharyngula! Sure, his name sounds like a new herpes medication, but this truly tasteless monster is, believe it or not, made up of those stomach babies from “Total Recall.” “I’m going to…suck the digested waste from your intestines,” he threatens as his crying, breast-fed left arm flails. Wow, he really DOES eat pieces of crap for breakfast!

Crotch Shot
(New Avengers #34)
Wolverine is a character shrouded in mystery—there are so many things we still don’t know about the guy. And yet, there are plenty of things we wish we didn’t know. For instance, thanks to New Avengers #34, we now know it takes about five bullets to destroy—how can we put this gently?—Li’l Logan of the South Coast Avengers. “Maybe it’ll grow back bigger,” Wolvie later laments, bleeding from the crotch and drinking whiskey. “Yeah, and maybe it won’t,” said John Bobbitt, crying alone in his shower.

And yet again, Frank Miller has done something to show Batman COMPLETELY out of character. Even though he's a legend in the comics business, someone get bloody Frank Miller off All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder already...he's destroying the Batman of that franchise. Or someone introduce Oliver Queen into THAT universe to kick Batman's behind two ways to Sunday.

You're the goddamn Batman? Well here's goddamn Oliver Queen to kick your AND Frank Miller's goddamn asses!

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