Gandalf the Ghey!

Here's the second last script I wrote on 23 July 2007. Still on Ian McKellan...since the last one was such a serious script (apart from the ending where I threw in that last line for some humour), we needed something less serious!


Panel 1 - Just another dialogue box: "And now, by popular demand, outtakes from the movies of gay rights activist, Sir Ian McKellan!"


Panel 2 - That famous Balrog scene where IM slams his staff into the ground, blocking the Balrog from the rest of the party. The Balrog, for some reason, is wearing shorts and it's very noticeable that it has a big...uh...tool.

Dialogue box: "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers!"

IM: "YOU !!! SHALL NOT !!! PASS !!!"


Panel 3 - IM looks down at the Balrog's package and his eyes go wide (0.0). Make his eyes pop out of his head, staring if you want to. Some drool trickles from IM's mouth.


Panel 4 - IM gives a knowing wink at the Balrog and makes a nasty suggestion. The Balrog has a o.O face and slowly backs away from IM.

IM: "Not at least until you make a PASS at me first, big boy. Roooowwwwwwr."



Panel 5 - IM and Elrond are chatting in a chamber. This scene immediately follows the one where Frodo is recovering after having been scratched by the Nazgul.

Dialogue box: "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring!"

Elrond: "The time of the Elves is over. My people are leaving these shores. Who will you look to when we've gone?"

IM: "It is in Men that we must place our hope."


Panel 6 - IM and Elrond still chatting.

Elrond: "Men? Men are weak. It is because of Men the Ring survives. No, you need someone with bigger and more powerful...tools."


Panel 7 - Silence. IM and Elrond look into each other's eyes, longingly.


Panel 8 - IM and Elrond in a full embrace and liplock. Their hands furtively caress each other's backs (and backsides).

IM: "Why did I think I could place my hope in men? I need the other white meat...only found in elves!"

Elrond: "Oh hold me and never let go, Mr Anderson!"


Panel 9 - IM and Elrond still "exploring" each other's bodies, but IM has a quizzical look on his face (o.O).

IM: "What was that?"

Elrond: "Shut up and kiss me, Magneto."

More unseen audition footage of Bruce Campbell!

Lots more Bruce Campbell! Well not really...this was the LAST Bruce Campbell script I wrote. But I enjoyed every single minute of writing Bruce Campbell's extraordinary adventures!

This one written on 6 July 2007, inspired by some very famous movies:


Panel 1 - Completely empty, with just the words filling up the panel.

Dialogue box: "For the first time ever! Never before seen audition footage of Bruce Campbell!"


Panel 2 - Darth Vader and BC, in full Jedi gear, in combat on the Death Star, lightsaber and chainsaw interlocked together.

Dialogue box: "Star Wars!"

Darth Vader: "I've been waiting for you Obi-Wan. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was the learner, but now I am the master."

BC: "Honey, you got reeeeal ugly."


Panel 3 - BC and Vader are still locked in combat, Vader whirling his lightsaber while BC waves his chainsaw around like a madman.

Darth Vader: "The force is strong in this one."

BC: "Say hello to the 21st century! Come get some."


Panel 4 - BC as Indiana Jones, seated in one of those mining carts from The Temple of Doom. Shorty (that annoying Asian kid from Temple of Doom) is seated next to him with an anguished look on his face. Shorty's hands are clasped to both sides of his face, a la Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. BC snaps his whip to release the clutch/lever to get the mining cart moving off the track.

Dialogue box: "Indiana Jones!"

Shorty: "Indy! They're behind us!"

BC: "Buckle up bonehead, 'cause we're going for a ride!"



Panel 5 - The boat from Jaws. BC is dressed as the grizzled Captain and Roy Schneider (the doctor from Jaws) has just seen the Great White shark and backs into the cabin of the boat uttering the most famous line from the movie.

Dialogue box: "Jaws!"

Roy Schneider: "You're gonna need a bigger boat."

BC: "Now whoa whoa whoa right there, spinach chin!"


Panel 6 - BC advances to the stern of the boat and spots the Great White. He pulls out his shotgun and waves it frantically in the air.

BC: "Look here you ugly mug, this is my BOOMSTICK!"


Panel 7 - The shark swims away.

BC: "That's it, go ahead and run. Run home and cry to mama!"


Panel 8 - BC is dressed as Gandalf, in the famous scene from Lord of the Rings where he "sacrifices" himself to block the Balrog's past.

Dialogue box: "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring!"

Frodo: "Gandalf!"

BC (turning backwards): "Who wants to know?"


Panel 9 - BC raises his chainsaw in an attempt to scare the Balrog off.

BC: "My name's Ashley J. Williams. I work in S-Mart. Housewares. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that? Run home and cry to mama."


Panel 10 - BC slams his chainsaw down onto the ground.

BC: "YOU !!! SHALL NOT !!! PASS....WIND !!!"


Panel 11 - The Balrog looks confused for a moment, then advances.


Panel 12 - BC tries a different approach.

BC: "Uh...klaatu varada nikto?"